joke of the day

[andylandy]

i have had some wonder full jokes over the last few months and feel as though we need somewhere to post them.

nothing to carass yes i do mean that and please edit any words you would not think are Liz friendly


Pete please read above instructions


so here's 2 to start us off



Dad is stood with his little girl in the garden. Is that a mummy long legs under that daddy long legs she asks. Dad says, no sweetie there is no such thing as a mummy long legs. Dad feels proud of his inquisitive daughter until- she stamps on them both and says 'I'm not having any of that gay s**t in our garden!




and i thought this one was fantastic


A man rings his boss & says won't be at work today,I've got anal blindness. Boss says what the hell is that?


he says I can't see my arse getting out of bed today!

[Mr Farmer]

Good idea Andy, heres a few from me

In Pharmacology


 In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of  Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with  Perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
 
 

[Bathtub]

Jim & Stephan wanted to raise some funds for a new truck!
So they decided to travel to London to donate sperm.
The only problem was Jim missed the tube!
Stephan came on the bus!

[Lara]

My day has just started good!!!
Keep the quality up lads 

Lara

[andylandy]

simon buck and vince cobly were sitting on a bench under a tree when vince turns to the simon and says: "Slim, I'm 55 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just s**t my pants."

 

[andylandy]

Gordon Brown was looking for a lady of the night. He found 1 such girl in a local pub. He said 'I'm Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

Her reply, 'Mr Prime Minister, if u can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in &keep it rising like the price of petrol, & screw me the way u have the pensioners, then it won't cost u a penny"

[diesel_jim]

I hear a new film has already been made about the new president-elect of America.....







The assassination of Barak Obama 

[WALFY]

I'd put money on him not getting the keys to the WH in Jan. He'll be taken out before then

[diesel_jim]

I'd put money on him not getting the keys to the WH in Jan. He'll be taken out before then he'd have broken in by then and nicked the DVD player

[Bathtub]

 Not jokes apparantly but still funny!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.  At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said,  'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'

'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

[andylandy]

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,

and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%... a bomb exploded near me and blew my balls off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM everyday.

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'


'This is a council job,




























the interviewer says. 'For the first two>hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.

[Lara]

An elderly Jewish man was boarding his flight to Tel Aviv at London airport,
When he got on he realised his seat was the isle seat in a row of three, sitting next to two Muslim gentlemen,
Well, when the plane took off and all had settled down, the elderly Jewish gentleman slipped of his shoes and started to make himself comfortable,
After a few minutes the Muslim gentleman nearest the window started to get up to go and get a cola,
The old Jewish man said, stay there my friend, I will get it for you!
So got up and walked down the isle,
Quick said the Muslim, pass me one of his shoes so I can spit in it, and so he did.
The old Jewish man returned with the cola and all went well,
Then the other Muslim decided that he also wanted a cola,
Instantly, the Jewish man again said that he would get it for him and got up and walked down the isle,
Quick, said the other Muslim, spit in his other shoe, and so they did,
The Jewish man returned with the other cola and sat down,
The flight went fine and with no incidents until they were preparing to leave the plane,
When the Jewish man slipped his shoes back on and realised what had happened,
He turned calmly to the two Muslim men and asked them,
Will this ever stop?
Why? do we need to hate each other?
Why? do we have to do these things to each other?
Why? do we spit in each others shoes,
And Piss in their cola!

 


Lara

[andylandy]

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[rugratnav]

A man says to his wife; "Darling, what would you do if I said I had won the lottery?" His wife replied; "I'd take half the money, then leave you"
The man says; "Excellent! I had three numbers and won a tenner, now heres a fiver and get lost!"

[Ciderman]

What do a Pizza delivery boy and a Gynaecologist have in common ?

They can both smell it but cant taste it .